Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
