found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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