You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
