She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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