Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
