my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
