6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
