I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
