I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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