i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
