if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
