I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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