you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
