You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
