dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
