dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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