I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize