Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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