my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
