Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
