I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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