Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
