u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
