i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
