I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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