Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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