I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
