Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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