I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
