i think my tv is drunk
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
