the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
