she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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