smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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