Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize