Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
