I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize