I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize