remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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