You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
