While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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