Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
