He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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