Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize