break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
