Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
