the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize