I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
