You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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