there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think your dad took our porno
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
