Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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