Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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