FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
