dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
