**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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