when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
