I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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