so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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