i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
