I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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