How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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