I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
