Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
