I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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